The Shame and Apologies of an Internet Sociopath
Not uncommonly, I found myself in an argument on the web. Consistent and true to my nature, I was pretending to be informed on a topic I knew near nothing about. On the receiving end of my ire, my opponent met my words with passive-aggression and lack of acquiescence; this infuriated me. I stewed for days about it, and finally, resolved to mend the fence. I apologized, declared myself ignorant, and tried to induce information from the expert on a topic that interests me.
Contrary to what I would have presumed, rather than feeling shame before the apology, I felt shame afterwards. I didn’t apologize because I desired his forgiveness, no! I apologized so I could squeeze information out of the man, a bonified and accredited expert. O, how I manipulate moral shapes and forms for my own vain designs! Now I feel shame; for now I am conscious, again, of my worm-like nature; my baseness; my endless knavery!
Perhaps the words of a feverish sociopath, but also an unflinchingly self-conscious and honest one. Sounds like a 21st century incarnation of Dostoevsky’s Undeground Man.